At some point in the dim and distant past, wearing a band T-shirt meant you were slavishly devoted to the act in question. These days, it usually means you like the picture. The turning point came in the mid-2000s when high street shops flirted with metal bands. Suddenly, spangly, diamante-studded Motörhead T-shirts were available in New Look and Topshop, and the band’s tusked ‘war pig’ became an impotent symbol of disposable fashion.

So why not take it to the extreme? Wear something your mum would be ashamed to hang on the washing line. Wear something you’ve never heard of. Wear something no one outside of Finland has ever heard of. For inspiration, here are ten band T-shirts you’ll see on the high street. Shame you might have to go to a gore-grind gig to buy them…

Anal Blast
In line with the strictures of the niche pornogrind genre, Anal Blast’s music largely concerns sex, death and discharge. Late singer Don ‘Lord Stomache’ Decker described them as “the most stupid band in the world.” And with songs like in their canon, he was probably right. Sick logo, though.

Finntroll

Question: what’s more menacing than a skull and crossbones? Answer: a skull and crossbones with gnarly devil-horns. Its owners Finntroll blend three shades of metal with a jazzy form of Finnish music known as ‘humppa’, and sing about the fictional troll king Rivfader. Bonkers.

Korgonthurus

It’s a peculiar quirk of the black metal scene that the more incomprehensible the band’s logo, the better it is. The name of Finland’s Korgonthurus is apparently contained somewhere within this branch-like scrawl. Come back, Magic Eye, all is forgiven.

Averse Sefira

In metal circles, a successful logo will ideally contain at least one nod to Satanism and loosely take the shape of a scary animal. Averse Sefira’s bat-riding-a-pentagram is, therefore, a real box-ticker. Shame the name brings economical, family-friendly people carriers to mind.

Diarrhoea

If there were a visual equivalent of onomatopoeia, this logo would be a prime example. A self-described ‘splattergrind’ outfit from Berlin, Diarrhoea’s logo literally looks like it’s been squirted onto the page. Scatology fans should check out their song .

Nokturnal Mortum
Want to confuse your liberal friends? On the one hand, these neo-pagans blend black metal with the traditional music of their native Ukraine, which is good. On the other hand they’re neo-Nazis, which is bad. And the logo’s matching pair of inverse crucifixes means you’ll burn up twice on entering a church.

Tool
It’s a tool – a spanner – and a – a cock’n’balls – and the band’s called Tool. This is possibly the cleverest logo of all time. And it’s an early logo, meaning fans of the mega-metallers will respect you as a serious fan. That’s peer group cool and a nob gag in one big package (pun intended).

Bad Religion
If punk music is about direct communication, then Bad Religion’s spray-can friendly ‘crossbuster’ is just about perfect. Guitarist Jay Bentley says it was originally designed “to piss off our parents”.

Helloween
Forget Iron Maiden. If you want to kick it old school, go for genre-defining German power metal band Helloween. Celebrating their 25th anniversary this year, there’s never been a better time to don their delightfully shonky logo, which was, unsurprisingly, designed by the band themselves. In biro. On a fag packet.

Dying Fetus
Sometimes, a name says up all you need to know about a band. Dying Fetus is one such name. Judge people by their reaction to the shirt: some will express a shared affection for the US hardcore band, some will be offended, and some will say, Hey, we don’t spell foetus like that over here. They are all to be avoided.

Author: Dan Stubbs
Images: Metal's Greatest Art Heroes